Oh... The joy's of Pregnancy

I am about to enter into the most exciting yet terrifying adventure of my life... Motherhood. And I am not quite sure if I am ready for it. If you ask my darling husband he will claim I was bugging for months for a baby even before the wedding. Who knows he JUST MIGHT be telling the truth, and to be honest at the beginning I actually thought I was. However, the closer and closer I get to having this baby the more anxious and nervous I become. I would have to say that most of my anxiety is coming from my experiences so far.

Lets see during my first trimester is when I worried the most. I first found out I was pregnant really early, about 2-3 weeks along. I had to wait until almost 7 weeks before my first ultrasound. So you can just imagine how nerve racking those 3-4 weeks were for me. The worst part was I did not have any morning sickness and that is a known staple of pregnancy. I couldn't help but freak out because it seemed every time I would read about not having this symptom, it felt like everyone was screaming at me "no throwing up equals big problems.. big, big problems". So needless to say I could not wait until my first ultrasound to make sure there was actually something growing in there. Oh my how amazing it was to see that tiny little heart beating away and turns out I just happen to be one of those lucky women who do not experience any morning sickness. I guess at that time I was just happy my little guppy was healthy and growing normally.

It didn't take long into my second trimester for me to start freaking out again. Second Trimester. This time was because it felt so long in between ultrasounds that I started having dreams I would go into for a normal check up but when they did the ultrasound there was nothing in there. My mind just loved to play tricks on me. Now when I read about the second trimester the one that sticks out the most is having boughs of insatiable hunger, but I am lucky if I can remind myself to eat breakfast in the morning and when I do eat I am immediately full. This worries me the most because I feel like I am starving my child. Haha, I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't help it.

Its very hard to know what is normal when it is your first pregnancy and have never been through this before. But I have been very fortunate to have some very amazing women helping me to keep my head through all the unease and apprehension. They just keep reminding me that every woman and every pregnancy is different. Just because one person has certain symptoms doesn't mean we all do. It is something I always keep in mind and despite the concerns and worries I have experienced so far I cannot be happier. I know I still have a ways to go but I am very thankful and lucky to have amazing people in my life to help me separate the good from the bad and keep me looking towards the amazingly bright future I will have with my growing family, and I can't wait to meet my baby guppy.

"Mawidge... Mawidge is what brings us togever today!"

For those of you who don't know me before I met Handsome Face, I had little to no commitment in my adult dating life. I was an "out every night, drinkin' and flirtin'" it up kind of gal. I was disgustingly independent and had my fair share of adventurous romps. Of course nothing I am willing to share publicly, but let's just say I went through men (well to be frank, boys). Quicker than you can spell scandalous. Marriage was never  even close to being on my radar. I was just flying through life the funnest way I knew how. Who had time to slow down? To breathe or even fathom change? Not this girl. I had a preconceived notion of what marriage was like, and how marriage affected those closest to me growing up and I vowed that I would never be that person. I would never get married.

I never once doubted that my parents weren't happy at one time, or that they didn't love each other, but in my teenage and young adult years I saw my mother lose more and more of who she was for the sake of keeping the marriage and our family together. I knew she was happy and my step-dad wasn't happy either and it is harder to admit when something just doesn't work than to just cover it up. Because in her day, that is what you did, for better or for worst, even if the worst ridiculously out weighed the better.

Or on a different note, seeing my sister get married for the sake of getting married. I am sure she probably had legitimate reasons for marrying as many times as she did but to an outsider, like myself, she was just a serial monogamist. In some sense it made me feel like the institution of marriage was a joke or meant very little. She spent little to know time getting to know herself before she got into these relationships and  marriages and I think that paid a large toll the the success rate. She never gave herself a chance to experience life single or figure out who she was that she just molded herself to the individual situations, which sadly to say, is probably why none of them worked out.

These were the images of marriage that I had in my mind. We are victims of circumstance or of example rather. Our perception of all things is instilled in us by the precedents that are set in our youth. We learn our manners, and what is expected of us when growing up and tend to live by example of our parents that come before us.  So needless to say, this is what deterred me from ever entering into a committed relationship with anyone. I didn't want to be with anyone who made me lose who I was, or who would want to change me. I didn't want to be in a loveless, hopeless, unrelenting marriage. But how can anyone blame me? That was what my definition of marriage was, that was the norm for me, but I guess didn't know any better. This is why I spent my time boozing it up and partying every chance I got and leaving has many guys in the dust during my passing. What I didn't realize in those years was that I had the ability to change my path. That I didn't need to fall into the same situations that my mother or sister put themselves in.

Okay Sooooo the point of this blog was to not to be glum. With all of that said, let's get to the point shall we. Over the course of the last 4 years I have one, moved away from my home town. Two, landed a great job that has not only tested my strengths and abilities but has shown me glimpses of my future and how bright it looks. Lastly but certainly not the least, Three, I have discovered myself and unearthed the things that were important to my life and those which were no longer needed. And then I met Handsome Face....

Don't get me wrong our relationship wasn't always sunshine and kittens. It was rough, rocky and seemed to be doomed from the beginning. We probably broke up and got back together at least 4 times in the first year. He was just like me came from a background of skewed marriages/relationships and he had been hurt severely by his previous relationships. He was on lock down from the inside and I was terrible at communication (I know me? terrible at communication? Haha well believe it). It took a long time and some exhausting back and forths. It finally go to a point where we needed to decide, is this something that is worth continuing? Or do we call it quits and burn the bridge?

Well I am happy to say that in 4 days Handsome face and I will be tying the knot. Through all the ups and downs, through all the trials and tribulations, and through the good and the bad we made it. We are stronger than we ever were before and we keep getting stronger. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I cannot even fathom one day in this world with out him. I am not saying that I believe in fate but I am also not saying that I don't. All I know is there is some bigger plan for all of us and I knew that Handsome Face was meant to hold his hand in mine for the rest of our lives. I guess when it's right its right.

So until next time kids, please be good to each other! Xoxo 

IS Honesty the best Policy?

When I was younger, and thought I knew it all, my motto was always to act now and think later no matter how my words made others feel. Wow, did I sure find myself in quite the verbal battles over the years, that if foreseen I would never have ventured that road in the first place. I felt that by always speaking my mind that I was being true to myself but reality soon sunk in and I quickly found myself losing friends. And had develop quite the reuptation with my family as the "bitchy/bossy" one. All because I was being TOO honest.

It took a lot of time for me to finally realize it was not necessarily the things I was saying it was the way I was saying them. I didn't want to be that person. So my first step to changing that was to get the hell out out of dodge, as Pops would say. I needed to get myself out of the same old situations that I always put myself in and just start over. So after graduation I moved to Sunny San Deigo and in the last 3 years my perception on life has changed for the better. 

Over the years I have found ways to be more sensitive and develop filters, there is a very thin line between getting your point across without losing that sense of honesty and being straight out hurtful. Being truthful and honest is one thing, but it is quite another to be ruthless and malicious with your words. 

It has never been my intent to hurt anyone's feelings or ruin relationships from my brutal honesty, but all I can say is I will do my best to have a softer hand in the future. Also I hope this will shed some light on those who should consider doing the same. You know who you are. 

So until next time kids, have a great evening and just love eachother. 

To Sleep or Not to Sleep? That is the question.

For as long as I can remember I have always been a fantastic sleeper. Tired or not I could always fall asleep no matter where I was. However in recent months I am finding it quite difficult to fall asleep even when it's bed time and when I do fall asleep it has been harder to stay asleep through the night. I am not sure what is causing it, perhaps maybe stress from the upcoming nuptials or my crazy work environment? Who knows. So I thought I would look up some causes of sleeplessness so I can be one of the many over-analytic Americans that constantly self diagnose themselves and here is what I found.

According to  post in The New York Times the following could be some causes of sleeplessness in adults :

Causes:

Aging, Alcoholism or abruptly stopping alcohol, Anxiety, Bed or Bedroom that does not promote sleep, Depression, Frequent Urination, Grief, Illicit street drugs such as amphetamines and cocaine, Jet Lag, Lack of exposure to bright light or sunlight, Restless leg syndrome, Stress and Worrying during the day, Too much stimulation at bedtime.

First I must comment on a couple of those as I feel it is perfectly necessary.

Aging: I find this cause of sleeplessness absolutely disturbing considering I am aging every day of my life and I love sleep. So does that mean the older I get the less sleep I will get?

Illicit Street Drugs: Although I do not participate, it just makes me giggle that this is a legitimate "documented" cause of sleeplessness. OF COURSE you aren't sleeping if you completely COKED out of your mind. I have never heard one case of someone saying "Man that was some great coke... Now who's ready for bed??".

Restless Leg Syndrome: I SWEAR I have this sometimes... but it mostly affects me being able to fall asleep not when I am actually asleep. Well now that I think about it, that sounds about right because it is preventing you from falling asleep in the first place...

Lastly...

Too much stimulation at bedtime: If you ask me it just sounds like a very boring night without it and in my experience it "stimulation" is so relaxing I am able to fall asleep immediately afterwards. :)

Okay with that said I feel there are a few causes of sleeplessness that were not included in the official New York Times post that have caused me many of sleepless nights. I believe it is important that these causes are acknowledged because they continue to be a growing epidemic in this country

Obsession with Candy Crush: With its bright colors and candy shop themed music, I often find myself submerged in the land of confectionery and burning away my retinas into the wee hours of the night. "Sorry babe I can't turn it off I still have 3 lives... I must clear all the Jelly... I must clear all the jelly!!"

Addiction to Social Media: To be more specific visual social media such as Pinterest and Instagram. There have been countless nights that I have scared the hell out of the husband-to-be, because while he thought I was fast asleep, reality is I was in silent reverie and awe over all the amazing, creative ways I can spruce up our pad. As well as completely bewildered by the things my friends and family are so brave enough to capture in the big world of pictures.

Suffer from an Overactive Imagination: This is one I suffer from on the daily when having a fiance who insists that the Veiled Lady from Insidious or Evil Witch from the Conjuring is keeping residence in our closet. I don't know about you but when I am extremely tired shapes and images just begin to appear in the dark and the slightest bit of movement in the light-less room is enough to make my mind reel for hours on end.

So all in all it turns out that I may be bringing the sleeplessness on myself... Well it is what it is I suppose, I guess there's always coffee!  The floor is open to discussion, let me know if there are any out of the ordinary things that keep you from sleeping. I'd love to hear them.

Until next time kids... Hugs, kisses and butt slaps! - The Dame

Just Wow... This is what I call Talent!

Just a random note form me to you:

Christina Bianco is from the Bronx and most commonly known as a Broadway actress... which I feel is where my draw to her comes in. She is seriously talented and ridiculously creative. This is the stuff I like to see coming out of people of this fine country. She is the kind of person we should be promoting not the ridiculousness that is Miley Cyrus... just saying. Check her out folks!

My Family Values

Let's jump right into a sensitive subject... Family.  When it comes to writing about family, especially mine, it can go one of two ways. 1. Absolutely fantastic or 2. Disastrous! Personally I have always been a strong willed, opinionated and extremely honest person and am completely incapable of sugar coating anything and with certain members of my family in order to keep the peace sugar coating is often required. 

Looking back at the last 10 years I have come to realize that I may have been a lot harder and just downright cruel at times to some of my family. I guess part of me thought that I was telling them what they needed to hear because no one else would. And continued to ask myself, "If I don't say anything, then who will?". I just felt that someone had to be the bad guy, and I figured if no one else was going to do it then why not me? So I spoke my mind and often without thinking about what the outcome may be or consequences of my actions. But at this point in my life, even though I know I was completely justified, I cannot help but think, who the hell was I to judge anyone? I know I am not perfect, and I have made plenty of mistakes that to this day I am still learning from. Judging others for the mistakes they made was wrong and completely inconsiderate of me. Mistakes are a given and making them is only human. Although following the wrong path happens to the best of us, all that can be done is to learn from them and strive to steer our lives in a better direction. 

In a perfect world with family comes love, truth and acceptance. Acceptance of all flaws, imperfections and the respect of ones personal beliefs even if they do not match your own. It means to love those even if it means not understanding why they do the things they do. Not one of us is perfect and those who claim to be are self-righteous and undeserving of the love from the ones they call family. The choices and decisions we make in life are our own and where we end up are result of the choices we have made, no matter how blissful or disastrous the outcomes may be. 

As I get older and continue to grow, I can only hope to be wiser and more compassionate than I was in my younger years. I hope that I can be a person my family can turn to whenever and for whatever they need. And as my own family begins to build, I want to know that I can be that positive role model my kids can look up to. And hope that I can give them the tools to be understanding and compassionate but honest adults.

So please remember to love your family despite their flaws and imperfections. They have chosen their own paths and make their own decisions, just as you have chosen yours. Do not judge. For if you cannot ACCEPT them for their flaws you should not expect them to accept you for yours. They are the only family you have and you should enjoy every second you have together because nothing lasts forever. 

Adventure Time: Blogging here I come.

Anyone who has ever been interested in writing publicly, probably knows exactly what i am going through by just simply no knowing where to start or what to write about. In my younger years I always imagined that one... bright and shining I would be a best selling author. I had all these ideas that i knew for certain would win Pulitzer prizes left and right. Of course during those years the only relevant topics to my life were mostly about my crazy dysfunctional family and silly antics of a dumb twenty-something year old. But every time I sat down to write I could never get past the first paragraph. I racked my brain to find different and creative ways to start books. After years of failed attempts and not to mention the trash bags full of cumpled papers, on day I finally realized... its all been done before. 

 So where does an almost thirty year old woman with a BIG voice in her heart turn to? Well the only place left, blogging. At this point in my life I feel I have experienced and learned so much in my life that I would be selfish to not share my experiences to the world. I have so much to talk about and so much to give that my life story, experiences, opinions and advice shouldn't be contained to a measly few hundred pages. Just like the rest of you I have had my shares of ups and downs and although the situations may have been the same,  our outcomes could have been different and often times miles apart. If i could help one person get through a rainy day or put a smile on someone's face it would all be worth it to me.

So my big hopes for this new adventure in my life, is to learn new things, help some people out and make some new friends along the way. My words are my heart... I say what I mean and mean what I say... always. This has made me the woman I am today and I can't wait to share who I am with all of you. 

Here's to good laughs, lessons learned and future friendships. Cheers!